


Love will be strength

by letwonderwomanbe



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Letters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-15 11:12:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4604541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letwonderwomanbe/pseuds/letwonderwomanbe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after some time after season 2. Lexa sent a guard to Clarke's tent to deliver a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> The following is Lexa's letter to Clarke. And yes, let's all assume that Lexa can write English because she is after all the Commander. And you don't get to be Commander if your Spirit isnt at least smart.

_To Clarke Griffin_

The day Costia disappeared, I disappeared too. The day she was found dead, I died too. The world went from silent to screaming black and white. Nothing mattered but blood. Jus drein, jus daun.

Her body was taken back to Polis. She didn't grow up there. But she had no family and she spent most days with me, the people decided to have her cremated there. No one knew how to act. Wherever I walked, no one dared to look at me. Eyes were casted onto the ground and children were held by their parents so they wouldn't run around. No one was allowed emotions, especially since I was void of them that day.

They laid her body on a table and set about building a platform for her cremation. And so I set myself aside into my own tent, only to be stopped by clan leaders. They reassured me that whomever did whatever they did to Costia will be caught and delivered to me. What they didn't know was that whomever did whatever they did to Costia, they did it to me too.

They took out the colours in her eyes and my world no longer had colour. They drained the blood out of her body and took the life out of mine. They bruised her, top to toe and every inch of me broke. They took her from me and I went along with her. I was no longer the Commander that day. My head and heart were on the same wavelength. They both yearned for the suffering to end. And for a while nothing mattered, not even blood.

When Gustus came along and announced the cremation, the torch was passed to me to begin. I'd done this countless before, yet my body hesitated to move. Before I lighted the platform, I passed the torch back, only to find myself reaching for my sword to cut Costia's braids off. Tucking them into my coat, my people must have wondered why I did such an odd act. They too must have seen how badly affected I was of Costia's death. They must have thought that I was blinded by love. Blinking back tears, I took the torch from Gustus' hand and lighted the platform. As the fire grew, the tears kept fogging my vision. Love really did blind me.

Hours passed and the sun disappeared behind the horizon. Anya was the only one of the leaders who didn't insist on moving on and taking action right away. She was the one who closed the flap of my tent and stood by it ensuring no one would disrupt my night. No one needed to. The night was already destroyed. My war paint came off easily that night. My tears must have helped but that didn't stop me from rubbing my face vigorously. My hands seemed to find solace in rubbing the war paint off. Next thing I knew Anya grabbed both my hands and held them by my sides. If my guards were there in the tent, Anya would have been thrown onto the floor away from me. But my guards weren't there, and I let my guard down for my knees buckled under me and the air from my lungs pumped forcefully out of me. I wasn't just blinded by love. I was paralyzed and choked by love too.

"Love is weakness," I said once I finally managed to stand up straight.

"One day, love won't be weakness. Love will be strength," Anya answered simply.

Love was strength I thought. It was. Until I realized it was just a facade. Love leaves you breathless, both positively and negatively. Love brought me up higher than the ground only to make me crash and burn. Love cannot be strength.

"Love cannot be strength," I repeated, this time out loud.

"It can if you start praying to the sky" Anya responded. She then let go of my hands and walked out of the tent as though the conversation hadn't happen.

Once the night calmed down and everyone in town was asleep and my battle gear were off and the only sound heard was my own erratic breathing, I decided to leave my tent and take a walk. To anywhere my legs would take me, I would go willingly. And that was what I did and I sneaked past my own guards to do it. They saw me alright. But they let me be. And I found myself entering the woods to a clearing. I wanted to scream and shout and thrash about but all I did was look up into the night sky and prayed that whoever's up there would come down and cure me. Help me not be blinded by love. Help me not be paralyzed or choked by love. Prove to me that love isn't weakness. That love can be strength too.

What happened at Mount Weather, me doing what I think is the best for my people, for our people, doesn't excuse my betrayal. I betrayed you in the worst possible way. The four words I hated and I said them to you and I left you to face death. You have called out my insecurities, made me face them and you cured me. And all I did was break you instead.

I heard multiple times that you attempted to run, to live on your own. People around, some, voiced out their concerns to me. Hoping I knew of advice and wise words to give you, to help lift your burdens but I do not. And the places that you could run to that are safe, you avoid in hopes of not running into me. What I can offer however is a tent set outside of Polis. It's isolated and I guarantee no one will bother you, not even me. Tell the guard who gave you this letter your decision and he will bring you to this tent if you choose to. Every necessity you may need is there. It's the one place I often run to to take refuge in.

Betraying you feels much worse than losing Costia. I was sure she was the love of my life. And when she was kidnapped, I spent most nights fighting and searching for her until I started conditioning myself for the worst, that she was murdered. Her death was out of my control and me betraying you made me feel powerless ironically since I was the one who made the decision to.

Little did I know, my prayers that night Costia was cremated were answered. You fell from the sky, Clarke. I prayed to the sky like Anya told me to and you fell from it. You have proven to me that love isn't weakness. And although this may seem far-fetched, I hope to prove to you that love is strength. Because with you here on the ground, Love becomes possible again and I have caught myself wishing that I was up in the sky with you all along, even if it meant not being the Commander. You're all the power, all the strength I need.

Forgive me, Clarke. Even if it may take you a lifetime. The tent and surrounding land is yours now. Choose whenever you want to leave.

May we meet again.

**_Heda Lexa._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have fun today!


	2. The Reply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is not too happy that Lexa sent a letter. And a guard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As it turns out, and what you will be seeing when you scroll down, I've decided to make this into a collection of letters. Other characters will be in on this story and I do not wish to spoil it so I will not be adding the characters into the tags. 
> 
> It has been decided that this will be a story with multi chapters but it being a collection of letters is the reason why the '?' exist in the chapter count. Anywhooo, enjoy the next chapter/letter!

_Lexa_

I do not appreciate your guard following me around. He wants an answer to the offer you gave me and despite being told 'No' many times, he still refuses to leave me alone. That being said, I'm not as annoyed as I was the first night he was with me. Turns out he can be a good listener and a good friend.

I didn't expect Morris to be how he is. Thought he would be just another overbearing grounder who will breathe down my neck for every move I make but he isn't. He stays a respectable distance from me and eyes every person who dared make me uncomfortable. All I knew is that he became a guard to me, my very own personal guard.

Before news reach you, let me tell you it first. I know how you get when dealing with emotions and I do not want anyone to get hurt or killed. Voices were raised back here at the Ark and some from the board still feel threatened by the Grounders and so a fight occurred. Opinions were heard, more so shouted but they were heard nonetheless. Punches were thrown and I was caught in the crossfire. I will not name names for fear you would go after them. And ironically -or not ironically, trust me when I say that everything is fine.

And before you get fired up, yes, Morris did protect me and yes I still got hurt but he got hurt more. He pulled me out from there before things got intense and patched me up before handing me to my mother. He is a good guard and he did his job in guarding me.

That night however, I was tempted to take up your offer for that tent. Ready to just leave everything behind. But I can't. Because if I did, I would still have to come back and face all that I have missed. The people mourned for their loss. They glare at your Grounders when reminded that you left us to die. I don't know how to handle this anger anymore. Betrayal hurts and you sending a guard over to make me be safe makes me want do unto you what you have done to me.

But Morris didn't give up and he stuck around. Even when I did run away, he ran with me. He doesn't judge me and the choices I made. Doesn't question me when I run away. So I guess, thank you for sending him and not somebody else. He is humble and kind and a much stark contrast from how tough and rough he looks. He told me stories of his past and how he became Gustus' second. How he was orphaned but grew up alongside you. How he saw with his own eyes how devastating it is to carry the weight of thousands of lives. He speaks highly of you and that makes me scoff and makes me want to cry at night. But he led a difficult life to be where he is now and you must have led the most difficult life to be the Commander of many clans.

You've made difficult decisions, even unimaginable ones and I know you thought of your people when you took the mountain men's offer. But it still hurts and I still do not know how to deal with all of this. With all my pent up anger and sadness and despair and burden. I did not choose to be somebody who leads but I care too much for people who don't appreciate it. I just don't really want to be around here anymore.

I know he is just taking orders from you but the fact remains, I am denying your offer for your tent. Morris do not need to be around me anymore. He does not need to protect me. You do not need to protect me. I no longer need your help. This is me speaking as me, not the Skai Prisa your Grounders insist on calling me. My people appreciate that you still hold your end of the treaty and that there is still peace between our people. But I do not need your help and I don't want your help and I don't need that tent to seek refuge in.

Don't pray up to the sky anymore. It doesn't do me any good. Morris told me that Grounders do not do that. Only when things have gone out of their control. He told me the day his parents died he prayed to the sky for guidance and Gustus came along and took him under his wing.

But I am not here because you asked. I am here because my home beyond the sky was dying, I am here because my father died trying to save it. I am here because the Earth died 97 years ago and because of all that, I am here to survive. I am not here on the ground to cure you, to make you feel that love is possible again or that love is strength. Love is not strength. If it were, then why am I weak. Why did you, despite me knowing your reasons and understanding them, why did you make me weak and why does it hurt still?

Even if he is a good listener and a good friend, don't make Morris guard me anymore. I sent him back to Polis to hand you this letter and I hope you don't send him back.

I am not your answer from the sky, Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have fun today! Also, Clarke wrote this letter in case anyone was wondering since the letter wasn't signed at the end.


	3. The Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters move back and forth. This time more letters are moving from Polis to the Ark.
> 
> AKA Commander Lexa has a soft spot for Clarke and you don't get to be the Commander without the Hearteyes.

Dear Clarke Griffin

This is Morris. I am writing this letter to inform you that I will not be returning to you. Heda has directed me upon other things. The truth is that Heda sent me to you to be your guard but since I return back to Polis, Heda has appointed me to other mission and I am no more your guard.

I apologize if this letter is difficult to read. English is not my best language but know this, Clarke Griffin, if I had done anything to offend you in any way, I am sorry. It was never my intention. Heda speaks to me and I feel like I have done wrong by you and instead of punishing me, Heda does nothing but tell me that I shall not return to you nor am I to see you at the time being. But the offer is still is, according to what Heda have said. She will inform you otherwise but the tent and surrounding land is still in your possession whether you choose to accept offer or not. This time it is different because Heda is not appointing me to escort you, meaning you will have to travel there yourself.

But if you need somebody to protect you, consider me as the one for the job. Even if it may go against Heda's wishes, I do not wish you to travel alone.

It is a pleasure to have met you. Sorry we did not have a proper goodbye. May we meet again and much luck on your journey.

Morris

* * *

 

 

Hey Bellamy,

Octavia here and I know you've been inching to hear news from me so hold on tight. Lincoln and I are here in Polis and now we are finally on our way to the east to meet one of the Grounders' clans. Polis is the same like any other village but it is big and huge and there are children running around. Bigger huts, bigger tents and bigger people. We leave this place as soon as we pack enough supplies for our track to the sea.

It's crazy here in Polis. Crazy in the sense that everyone here is so accommodating to us. They welcomed us, me, with open arms and I can't help but wonder that maybe this alliance with the Grounders is just what we need. Maybe they're treating me nicely because they have accepted me as their own? Or maybe they respect me for not giving up even though I was beat up badly and that Indra has given me the green light to join their training sessions? Or maybe, and quite possibly, they treat me and Lincoln well because Commander Lexa is here in Polis and will glare anyone to death if they don't.

Isn't it crazy? I don't know what has happened since Mount Weather but the way Lexa is treating us Sky People is just phenomenal. Maybe she feels guilty for leaving us to fight that Mount Weather war but something just doesn't fit right here. She doesn't seem to be someone who would actually feel regret but here she is going out of her way to make sure we're comfortable and well-adapted. I wish to speak to her soon, before Lincoln and I leave.

Expect good things to come. I hear the Heda is sending a shipment of sorts to where you are. Stuff like meat and fur and medicine. Fingers crossed that you guys accept them. I'm sure the board will but if they were to spare a glance at Clarke, they may reject the whole shipment.

We heard about what happened there at camp. A grounder named Morris delivered the news. I hope you're doing well, Bell. Don't get into fights and I trust you not to get yourself killed, brother. Whatever happened must have been a big deal especially if Morris was called in to speak with Lexa in her tent. The whole town was quiet that day. Only when he came out of the tent did everyone seem to breathe. Morris then headed straight to me and told me of the fight. It sort of felt like Lexa ordered him to. Did you know that the Heda herself, the Commander of twelve clans personally sent a guard to protect Clarke? That, Bellamy, that has become THE talk of the town here in Polis. Grounders here won't stop talking about it. Is Clarke in trouble? Is she in danger of some sort? Could you look out for her? We don't need anyone else stabbing her in the back now and it seems as though the Commander is withholding information from us. What it is, I'm not sure but I guess it is all the more reason for me to speak to Lexa before we leave.

Oh! And the way to Polis is like a path to Heaven. We passed by a lake and even a waterfall but they were frozen over and everything just seems so refreshing and new. It isn't like space at all. The beauty of it all just makes me wish that there weren't any war here on the ground. That when we landed, we landed in peace and were given the freedom to just roam around. Mom would have loved it here.

Thank you for letting me take this trip to the sea. We've come a long way now, haven't we? We came from the sky and we fell onto this exciting world. It feels like my prayers were heard because I'm no longer hiding or locked up and there's just so much room to run here. I never knew the day that I am allowed to just be me would come so fast and here I am seeing the world for the first time and I am allowed to take it all in. Yes to no rules! Yes to not being behind bars! I feel like I'm on top of the world. And I'm conquering every piece of dirt I step foot on. And I feel stronger than I've ever been.

I love you Bellamy! And thank you again for finding the strength to let me go! You're the best brother I could ever hope for and mom will be proud of who you have become and how you have taken care of me.

Till next time, Octavia Blake.

* * *

 

 

_To Clarke Griffin_

Morris has been relieved of his duty as your guard since his return to Polis, as per your request. However, the offer still stand. It is not so much of an offer now. The tent and surrounding land is now in your name and if you still have doubts, the rights to that tent is no longer mine. Consider it your land to rule.

I do not know what else to give you, Clarke, to show that I am willing to do everything in my power to ensure your health, mentally and physically. Please accept the tent on your own terms. It is the one place I guarantee you will not run into me.

I will give you the time you ask for. However, winter is coming and for this alliance to hold, I wish you will accept the shipment coming your way. They are not gifts but necessities for overcoming the cold in this winter. There will be people settling down with you for this winter, to ensure your people are safe. They will build their own tent amongst the other buildings that they are instructed to build. They will gather more firewood and build huts to store them, to give you an example. The leader appointed is Maka and if you have any enquiries, do direct them to her.

The Grounders will still call you Skai Prisa out of respect to me and by extent, you. Having a title to your name may not be what you want at the moment but it is what you will need. Only you have such a title amongst the Skaikru and having such title will give you the space you want, at least from the Grounders. None of my Grounders will harm you. And if they do, they have been warned before they left that if they hurt you, they hurt me.

My feelings remain the same. And despite your thoughts on the matter, you are my answer from the sky. I asked for light in this darkness and you came. You fixing every bit of me just happened along the way. And things in my life are in my control despite what you think. Channel your hate to me, your anger to me, Clarke. Don't berate yourself for feeling hurt. I betrayed you and it will only be fair if you did the same thing to me. I don't want you to hurt anymore.

For whatever you feel is the reason you are here on the ground, remember that those reasons led you here nonetheless and made you who you are. If it weren't for sufferings of any kind in the past, you would not be the one who led the Skaikru to survival. You are the reason this alliance still stand and my betrayal has led us to where we are now. I am not excusing my actions nor am I trying to make a point that everything that happened, happened for a reason. The truth is I hope that things will be better from here onwards whether you forgive me or not. You are a great leader and I wish that you would never be put in the same position that I had been in that led to my betrayal. The weight of many lives should never be on just one person's shoulder. I wish to lessen that burden for you but for now, and for how ever long you wish, I will not interfere.

Love will be strength, Clarke, but for it to be strength, it has to be weakness first.

May we meet again.

Yours

_**Heda Lexa** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have fun today! Oh and comments are much appreciated! Anything to improve the story, you know?


End file.
